What Makes Couples' Fights Different

In the context of a committed relationship, fights provide a way for couples to reconnect, according to Greg Godek. "Although fighting is never fun or nice when you're in the middle of it, the outcome can be positive. In the midst of a fight you're miserable. In a way, it's like exercising. Is working out always fun? No. But it deals with your weak spots." And in a committed relationship, he adds, weak spots are the ones we most need to concentrate on.
Fights with the one we love are truly different, he explains, because the purpose of the fight is different. "In the ‘outside world,' it's all about winning and losing," says Godek. But that"s not true of squabbles with your spouse (or future spouse). Here, the purpose is more often to blow off the steam and/or to express an emotion—even if you don't know quite what that emotion is or what's behind your need to emote.
Fights can work like a psychological pressure-relief valve, helping you to reestablish emotional equilibrium. The problem, Godek says, is that we've all been conditioned to believe fighting can only be a win-lose proposition. "Most of us shift into a win-lose mode in an argument," he says. "Because we subconsciously expect an argument to have a clear winner and loser, we line up all of our ‘evidence' as though we're going before a jury. We focus on the idea of winning the fight."